5 years, 4 months, 7 days

5 years, 4 months, 7 days
That's how long it has been since I had Nick. That's how long we've been hoping that I would just "get pregnant" like so many women are able to. Like so many just take for granted.

11 months
That's how long it's been since we tried to do the IUI cycle, that didn't quite make it to being an IUI.

6 years, 1 month
That's how far apart Nick and his baby brother or sister would be if I got pregnant now, this month, which isn't likely.

The time is passing quickly, too quickly. I so desperately want another child. And even more desperately want Nick to have a sibling, but even now I wonder if we do get pregnant if they will have much of a relationship at all. Not only will they be more than 6 years apart, but there will be no children between them to help bridge the gap. It breaks my heart.

Some days, the pain of not being able to conceive is excrutiating. Today is one of those days. I made it worse by doing research. I'm still hoping to come across the natural treatment, or simple treatment that will allow us to conceive without having to spend a fortune.
I found a treatment called Low Dose Naltrexone. It's actually a drug that has been around for a long time. Naltrexone is licensed for use in helping people through additions to opiates. But has been shown to help people with a lot of different disorders, and doctors have shown that in it's low dose form it is very effective for people with PCOS and also for people with hypothyroidism (and a variety of other things that fortunately I do not have).

The problem is, since it is being used for an "off label" treatment, there aren't many doctors willing to do it. So how do I find a doctor willing to try? The really amazing thing is that this drug has been show to slow cancer, put people with MS into remission, essentially getting rid of their attacks, seriously slow AIDS, and do a variety of other things that involve the immune system, and all with very few side effects. So why don't they use it? It's not been tested. Why not? There's no money in it. The patent on it has expired, and the medicine is inexpensive (about $30 a month), so who wants to put the money forward to test it. Aargh.

Right now I'm taking fertility blend which is a natural treatment that has been pretty successful for pcos, and I'm taking metformin again, even though it makes me sick. The metformin is supposed to help me lose weight too, but instead I always gain weight on it. I've been on the fertility blend steadily for a week, it takes 6 months to work, if it works.

I need to find a way to earn the money for another IUI cycle I think. But I can't come up with a way to do that right now. All of the funds we have are going to month to month living and any extra we get goes either to our emergency fund, or to helping get us out of the mountain of debt we got ourselves into during the time Erik's business was getting going.

I'm 36, Erik is 41. We aren't getting younger. We don't feel old, in fact I barely feel old enough to have a 5 year old, but I'm considered "of advanced maternal age" already, what will I be by the time I actually get pregnant?

I just wish there was a way that had certainty. It'd be hard to scrape together the cash for an IUI, but even if we were to manage, there's no guarantee that it'll work this time.

I see families all around town with their 4, 5, 6, or more kids. We can't even seem to get to 2. I know it's terrible, but it seems so unfair. As a child I dreamed of having lots of kids, now I just dream of having another child.

I'm sorry this isn't a happy feel good post, but sometimes life isn't happy.